cdaxena
Administrator
ENJOYING THE BACK COUNTRY MY WAY!
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Post by cdaxena on Dec 21, 2003 13:44:28 GMT -5
I was looking on the net for some clean humor. You know it is hard to find. Without spending to much time looking, I came up with this. It gave me a ;D Real Church Bulletin Board Advertisements Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins. - The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
- Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come foreward and do so.
- The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Now you try to out do that I challenge you to keep it nice. That can be tougher than you think.
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jaxonc2
Staff/Moderator/Editor
Posts: 363
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Post by jaxonc2 on Dec 21, 2003 16:51:09 GMT -5
Two guys, Joe & Bill went camping in the mountains. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Joe wakes his faithful friend and says, "Bill, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Bill replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asked Joe.
Bill ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small, and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, Joe?"
Joe is silent for a moment, then says, "Bill, you stupid moron, someone has stolen our tent."
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cdaxena
Administrator
ENJOYING THE BACK COUNTRY MY WAY!
Posts: 915
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Post by cdaxena on Dec 21, 2003 17:18:45 GMT -5
This is my favorite. I pulled this off of my personal web site: "TRAILS OF ESTHER". Stupid Things in the Wilderness These are actual comments left in 1996 on U. S. Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips: 1. "A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call." 2. "Escalators would help on steep uphill sections." 3. "Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness." 4. "Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands." 5. "Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals." 6. "All the mile markers are missing this year." 7. "Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse." 8. "Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill." 9. "Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests." 10. "Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter." 11. "Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them." 12. "The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals." 13. "Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights." 14. "Need more signs to keep area pristine." 15. "A McDonald's would be nice at the trail head." 16. "The places where trails do not exist are not well marked." 17. "Too many rocks in the mountains."
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cdaxena
Administrator
ENJOYING THE BACK COUNTRY MY WAY!
Posts: 915
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Post by cdaxena on Dec 23, 2003 15:17:40 GMT -5
A woman went to her boyfriend's parent's house for Christmas Dinner. This was her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman began to feel a little discomfort. Thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole, the gas pains were almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decided to relieve herself a bit and let out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!" The woman thought, this is great and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer "rrriiippp" The father again looked at the dog and yelled, :oammit Skippy!". Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, :oammit Skippy, get away from her, before she craps on you!" « Last Edit: 11/11/03 at 06:30am by cdaxena »
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Krash
Moderator
*Forum Monster*
Posts: 446
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Post by Krash on Dec 23, 2003 21:37:16 GMT -5
3 suzuki riders are riding through the woods, when they come accross some tracks. the first one says. "those are deer tracks!" the second one states "thos are elk tracks" the third one corrects them and says "those are moose track" ... ....They were still arguing when the train hit them...
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jaxonc2
Staff/Moderator/Editor
Posts: 363
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Post by jaxonc2 on Dec 24, 2003 18:03:37 GMT -5
OLD DIRT BIKER An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what great shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?" The old timer said, "I'm a dirt biker and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight on Sundays and out sliding around corners, shootin’ sand washes and riding up and down the steepest, gnarliest hills I can find at the crack of dawn." The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?" The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?" The old timer said, "He's 99 years old and, in fact, he went riding with me this Sunday, and that's why he's still alive... he's a dirt biker." The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?" The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?" The old timer said, "He's 117 years old." The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went dirt bikin' with you this Sunday too?" The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this week because he got married." The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Good Lord!!! Why would a 117-year-old guy want to get married?" The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"
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jaxonc2
Staff/Moderator/Editor
Posts: 363
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Post by jaxonc2 on Jan 18, 2004 19:25:29 GMT -5
A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with motorcycle engines so thought he'd become a motorcycle mechanic.
The good doctor went along to the Am Inst. of M/C in Daytona Beach, FL, the best m/c mechanics school in the country, and completed the training class. The final exam was to strip a bike engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result.
The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark. The instructor said, "No, no that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine -- a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really. Then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler."
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Krash
Moderator
*Forum Monster*
Posts: 446
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Post by Krash on Jan 19, 2004 20:34:11 GMT -5
that is crazy
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hydrantman
2nd gear member
If you've never done it, you haven't done it yet
Posts: 68
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Post by hydrantman on Jan 25, 2004 3:59:08 GMT -5
Early one morning this guy jumped on his dirt bike and headed up a trail. It was cold so he wrapped up in his boots, long johns and leather coat. After a short time, the zipper ripped on his jacket and pulled open – brrrrr …. the hard cold wind bit into his chest so hard that at the first place he could he stopped. There were no buttons on the jacket and he had no way to close it. After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. Soon, back on the trail he went hitting a hard third gear when he hit a series of ‘kelly’ humps right into a hard left switch when he crashed and burned. A farmer that lived nearby saw the crash and called the rangers and told them what happened. The rangers asked him, "did you see any sign of life?" The farmer then said, "well, at first, … 'til I turned his head around the right way."
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justin
1st gear member
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that nobody's after you...
Posts: 33
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Post by justin on Jan 29, 2004 13:11:09 GMT -5
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
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cdaxena
Administrator
ENJOYING THE BACK COUNTRY MY WAY!
Posts: 915
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Post by cdaxena on Jan 29, 2004 15:09:25 GMT -5
That was too wierd! I read it easily, even out loud, as if every word was spelt correctly. That is very interesting!
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justin
1st gear member
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that nobody's after you...
Posts: 33
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Post by justin on Jan 29, 2004 22:22:51 GMT -5
"Smoking kills, and if you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." -Anti-smoking spokesperson Brooke Shields
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"The police are not here to create disorder, they're here to preserve disorder" -Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 convention
"If you've seen one Redwood tree, you've seen them all" -Forestry expert Ronald Reagan
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas" -Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago" -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people that make them unsafe" -Former Philadelphia Mayor and Police Chief Frank Rizzo
"The internet is a great way to get on the net" -Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole
"It is bad luck to be superstitious" -Andrew Mathis
"He was a man of great statue" -Boston mayor Thomas Menino on former mayor
John Collins"It's like an alcatraz around my neck" -Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people" -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." -Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
"The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep." -Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results." -Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge
"It's like deja vu all over again." -Yogi Berra
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese" -Former French President Charles De Gaulle
"The loss of life will be irreplaceable." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." -A congressional candidate in Texas
"It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody." - Richard M. Nixon
"The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet." -Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame, the killings? The killers are to blame." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots
"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before." -Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money." -Everett Dirksen
"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on." -Samuel Goldwyn
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. " -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on Republican family values
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." - Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." -General William Westmoreland
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste"
"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet." -Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
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jaxonc2
Staff/Moderator/Editor
Posts: 363
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Post by jaxonc2 on Jan 30, 2004 18:23:24 GMT -5
ttahs esay for you to sggesut, but if you're oeeintrd traowd piohcns it deonst wrok. get my difrt
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justin
1st gear member
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that nobody's after you...
Posts: 33
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Post by justin on Jan 30, 2004 18:38:17 GMT -5
.......Doh!
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